The word love (in the context of male and female relationship) is often misconstrued; no wonder people use it in the context that totally disagrees with the real meaning of it. If I ask you what love is, you will definitely pause to think about it and the answer you will give may be right or wrong depending on your life experience. Before, I delve deep into this topic, I would love you to read and think about a story I got from a fellow blogger using Bellanaija as her pseudo name. This story actually prompted this article. Please, read on;
Here is my story. I just moved to the states some months ago. I recently started my MBA but moved here some months early to settle down. I have a girlfriend back in Nigeria and we dated for about 7 years. I met her during my 100 level at university and we have been together since then. Before I left Nigeria, I proposed to her, introduced myself to her parents and made it known that I will be back next year to marry her. I even told my parents and they are making preparations. My fiancée is a sweet girl, I was her first boyfriend and I know she will make a good wife.
Here is my problem; I met this other girl when I arrived in Boston. At first I thought we could be just friends – that did not work. I thought it was just a fling – it is deeper than that. I am in love with her. I no longer answer my fiancée’s calls or emails. I heard from some friends that she is quite depressed due to my new attitude but I can’t help myself, I have never felt the way I feel about my new girlfriend.
Â
The Marriage Factor
Assuming the guy had married the lady of 7 years relationship. Would he be asking for help? I doubt it because the answer to the issue would be very clear. In order to validate the other relationship, other factors like love come into play. Therefore, the guy is going through a perspective issue which is definitely psychological. If the general definition of love is a strong feeling for the other then it’s basically psychological. Why? You may ask. Well, have you ever seen a corporate lady, driving an official car, fall in love with a ‘molue’ conductor or an ‘okada’ driver? This is rare and almost impossible. This clearly indicates that the strong feelings come as a result of a defined boundary like religious affiliation, educational background, economic status, etc. This calls for a redefinition of what we define as love
 The Lust Factor
Words like crush, lust, being fond of and love are sometimes used interchangeably. Could this be true? Let me define them in the way they are normally used; Crush is a strong feeling you have for someone who is not aware of those feelings; Lust is a strong feeling that controls you instead of you controlling it- this feeling dictates every move you make and it normally occurs with someone you are not familiar with; Being fond of is having a strong feeling for someone without knowing why; Love is a strong feeling you have with someone you are familiar with < familiarity in terms of knowing the strength and weakness of the individual>. The common factor between these four variables is strong feeling though the degree of intensity may differ. Then, how can one differentiate between these four elements? This is exactly what makes the above story a definition issue. In differentiating between love and lust; it is noteworthy that time does not define familiarity but familiarity can not be defined without time. Does this guy love the Boston girl or the Nigerian girl? This question can only be answered by the guy involved in a solitude platform.
 The only option
It is very easy to pass the blame on the guy and it even seems justifiable to do so but on a deeper perspective both the Boston lady and the Nigerian lady have their share in the whole issue. Perusing my older articles like You Get What you Deserve, All Men are Bad, 7 Reasons why Females get Hurt in Relationship and Love Wan Titi would provide the needed answers. The only option to avoiding this scenario is a personal relationship with God through His Holy Spirit…………
Listen to this podcast
Loading ...
23 comments
No ping yet
October 9, 2006 at 1:41 pm (UTC 1)
Oga Dipo, u stilol haven’t answered the question i posed to u onmy commet section (in the previous entry) and on ur comment section too? Did u have me in mind, when u defined “crush?” Anyways, i checked out ur archives and saw a pix of u and ur wifey, and u’re still annonymous sha. It’s all good, so now i can rest. I’m still waiting.
My own 2 cents is that the guy shouldn’t break up with the Naija gal. This feeling with Boston babe may just be temporary. The devil u’ve known for 7 years, is still better than the angel u just met.
October 9, 2006 at 2:03 pm (UTC 1)
Wow bijou, my dearest bijou
I will get to you soon.
But where exactly do you want me to answer your question?
October 9, 2006 at 3:16 pm (UTC 1)
Preferrably on my blog since the drama is on there. It’s the previous entry before the one i posted on Sunday. I’m waiting.
October 9, 2006 at 3:19 pm (UTC 1)
Preferrably on my blog since the drama is on there. In the comment section of the previous entry before the latest one i posted on Sunday. I’m waiting patiently. I’m feeling dis bobo, no be small but that still wouldn’t make me do anything stupid.
October 9, 2006 at 4:34 pm (UTC 1)
In my view the guy should stay with the nigerian girl, cause she is steadfast. A good quality I think. But the issue is is it fair on the girl? This is now a pattern that will follow, seing as the guy could not flee. I guess the main point of your right up is having a relationship with God, cause he would have been able to stand with the Help of God.
So oga dipo, I didn’t know you were married. So thats why you know all this relationship advice. Your talking from experience.
Thats good. repost her pic if there was one already online.
October 10, 2006 at 5:24 am (UTC 1)
At the end of the day, commitment is what really matters. A choice. An informed choice. I remember years ago, I had a dat with my fiancee (we are married now). A cute looking lady walked past, and I commented on her. My wife replied that she would work at becoming that cute!
Turning to her, I made it clear to her that I had chosen her. I had met much more physically attractive ladies, but chose her. She had all the qualities and lived by the proper values I would want in a wife. I told her that as pretty as she was, I would marry her and stay faithful to her even if (God forbid) she were to lose it all in an accident.
Leaving love strictly to the realm of feelings can be problematic. Feelings may be involved, but they certainly should not dictate our actions and responses.
October 10, 2006 at 7:11 am (UTC 1)
@ TLOASCM
ok, I have heard you.
@ Yomi Adegboye
wow, thanx for sharing that piece of story. It will go a long way….
October 10, 2006 at 8:05 am (UTC 1)
love d article especially wen u defined crush, fondness, lust and love now i really understand.
thanks again
October 10, 2006 at 12:21 pm (UTC 1)
love again!this is one issue that will definitely put people on their toes and on different plat forms,but i love it.well from my own perspective this guy and the chic in naija r more or less companions now,there are feelings quite alright but maybe he has being trying to break away for a long time cos i dont see the reason why he will travel for barely one yr and fall for another chic so hard, if he really feels good about the naija chic.
There is one bad thing that guys do .why would you go and meet a chic’s parents and then mess up after raising her hopes and making her stick to you bcos you want to be sure there is some here for you even when you r so many miles away having cheating.
This guy has definitely made her psychologically unbalanced (1)she wil find it difficult to trust love,fall in love and love men.(2)she will forever ask herself what she really did to deserve this treatment (3)it will take time to restore her selfesteem.
Well left for me if im the naija chic i wil definitely move on with my life ,i know it is not easy, not knowing any other guy for 7 years but this world is not a fair place and definitely NOT for the weak hearted.let him enjoy with his boston “akata”.
October 10, 2006 at 2:07 pm (UTC 1)
So dipo – this is how u burst identity. OK next time. At least my picture is not online.
You eeh..any ways we will see..
October 10, 2006 at 2:16 pm (UTC 1)
Dont make me curse you out. You are making me not ever wanting to come and post on your site. I cant believe you.
So thats how you kill people softly. Its a lie it work for me. Im glad i have put positive stuff online. Imagine if it were secrets thats how oga dipo would have jusrt burst it.
Serious na waahhhh oooo. You couldn’t resist huh. Ok uve bitten more than u can chew.
Anyways where is the picture of your wife nooooowwwww.
October 10, 2006 at 2:29 pm (UTC 1)
Dont make me curse you out. You are making me not ever wanting to come and post on your site. I cant believe you.
So thats how you kill people softly. Its a lie it work for me. Im glad i have put positive stuff online. Imagine if it were secrets thats how oga dipo would have jusrt burst it.
Serious na waahhhh oooo. You couldn’t resist huh. Ok uve bitten more than u can chew.
Anyways where is the picture of your wife nooooowwwww.
October 10, 2006 at 2:35 pm (UTC 1)
Yep its me again. I have had to trall through your site. I see a picture where you describe your wife as your life and you baby girl. awwww.
You dont need to post her again. I see her now.
I am now finally signing off.
I dont tire for you.
October 12, 2006 at 12:56 pm (UTC 1)
Hi
I would like to add..I know it sounds really bad after 7yrs of a relationship and eveb PROMISE to marry,If his feelings are stronger with the Boston lady…I would say he shoul tel down the 9ja Lady and move on….you do not marry out of loyalty or pity!
If he has no intention of livin in 9ja…one would say his horizon has changed or expanded and he want so has his feeling…
I know it would be hard for the 9ja lady but I would say to her …be happy now that you did not marry him only for him to make her misarable the rest of your life.
October 12, 2006 at 3:04 pm (UTC 1)
@ Angela
You make me understand you are married for 11 years; are you making me understand that if your husband travels out to a place that expands his horizon and goes with another lady. You will actually be happy it did not happen 30years down the line?
October 12, 2006 at 7:52 pm (UTC 1)
Thanks Dipo,
This issue really bugged be honestly because Nigerian guys have decided to make this kind of behaviour a habit….
I got further details on this issue and from all indications, this man, though he is nearly 30 is immature in the arena of relationships and is def not ready for marriage.
I will do a follow-up soon.
Cheers Dipo…awww ur wife and child are really cute
October 12, 2006 at 8:55 pm (UTC 1)
Like u said I am married
I married you would expect commitment. you have to understand this guy had not made the finally commitment…he has promised to marry( understand I am not say this is rigth) but the best of both evil….What do u want the girl in Nigeria to do?? still marry the guy??…..No way a man that could not protect himself in less than a year?…He could not make male friends??
Please my dear! She should be happy he did not marry when his heart and mind was not in it.
I still stand will that opinion.
October 13, 2006 at 7:19 am (UTC 1)
@ Angela
I really appreciate your comments.
But, how did you know her heart is not in it?
She is as good as married to the guy. Just because she does not have a ring in her finger does not makes a difference. When a man commits to a lady, heaven has witnessed it. Just because I did not sign a legal document or say my oath in front of a priest, you think it makes a difference. Thats where the issue lie; its called perspective.
Lets call a spade a spade; the guy is undergoing a perspective and a definition of love issue.
@ Bellanaija
Wow, its good to have your comment; you know I pilfered the story from your site (lol).
Anyway, thank you very much for the compliments.
October 16, 2006 at 2:59 pm (UTC 1)
@Dipo
You are rigth about all that….but what can she do?
The only person you have any power over is YOURSELF!!
….since he has broken the trust between the two the lady one one choice as any strong woman should do,that has not been “conditioned” is to MOVE ON…..
OR what do u say she does?@Dipo
October 16, 2006 at 3:04 pm (UTC 1)
@ Angela
I strongly recommend a personal relationship with God!
October 16, 2006 at 3:13 pm (UTC 1)
Case closed on that then…@Dipo
November 30, 2006 at 12:01 pm (UTC 1)
I felt for the lady concern because 7 years is not 7 months. But I leave one word of encouragement to her, “a broken relationship is better to a broken marriage”. I pray that God will help her to understand this.
December 1, 2006 at 4:59 pm (UTC 1)
Hi, i must say that i find ur articles very intresting, educative and inspiring.more power to ur elbow