Hi Dipo,
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I have a guy who have asked me to marry him and I have prayed about it, I have a conviction that he is the right person for me, but the problem I have is that I don’t like the way he looks, his dress sense and anytime we are together and am conscious of that fact I just get angry and start snapping at him. After a while a still voice will make me to push aside this thought. Now my questions is with time will I still love him or feel comfortable with him, though I know that physical attraction is not the real basis of choosing a life partner.
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Miss H.Â
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Dear Miss H,
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I am very glad you are sharing this concern with the team and I want to assure you that you are not alone in this seemingly difficult issue. Bearing, this in mind, I am sure this mail would go a long way to help my fellow female counterpart undergoing the same issue. From your write-up, it’s as if you already know the right choice but you need confirmation to give you a stronger resolve. The following points will broaden your perspective on the issue;
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- Appearance: The fact that you are concerned about his appearance is a strong indication that your convictions are positive because God definitely does not view from the appearance. I am sure you must have heard that saying times without number but come to think of it, nothing would attract you to a man you eschew his appearance very much than an inner leaning.
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- Help Meet: The only reason for marriage is because there is a need in the man’s life, no wonder God said it is not good for man to be alone so he provided a help meet for him; someone suitable to strengthen his weakness. This why God is asking you to marry him because, you have work to do on him. Since he has problems with his appearance (his weakness), you are expected to revamp the appearance through your trendy taste.
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- Open Up: You really need to open up to this man you are expected to marry. It is very important to let him know your concerns so it would be easier for you to transit this apparent issue you have with him. If something is bothering you, it is better to open up with him about it so it could be resolve early than bottle it up for a bomb shell.
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- Self Centeredness: Have you ever thought of this man’s opinion about your weakness. He may also be worried about a weakness, he has noticed in you and also be seeking counseling. He may not see you as his ideal wife but he may be trusting God to overcome his hindrances. Marriage is the coming together of two imperfect human being so try and look at it from his own reference frame. This is a good step to eliminating selfishness.
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- Faith: You really need to believe that God is in the business of improving lives and he would use you as an instrument to revamp his weakness. Do not support an outsider, to mirror his obvious weakness, in your presence. But with prayer and gentle tutelage, he may be the next P.Diddy in the making.
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Hope these points were very helpful. As per love, which is simply a feeling that can be resuscitated, it all depends on you to choose to love him. We would be praying along with you as the D day approaches and don’t forget to invite the POeT Team on the wedding day……..
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Oceans of love,
Mercy and Dipo Tepede
For the POeT Team
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TO KNOW MORE ABOUT “ask D POeT†click HERE
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44 comments
1 ping
August 20, 2008 at 11:45 am (UTC 1)
God Bless you guys for this reply. This has just gone a long way to confirm that it’s the Holy Spirit speaking to me lately about my guy. I keep hearing that as a help meet, i have a lot of work to do.
I pray God to cause your marriage to be “heaven on earth”.
Thanks & God bless!
September 24, 2007 at 8:03 am (UTC 1)
You have nothing but criticism for him. No – you should not marry him, and he should under no circumstances marry you.
The truth is that more than 67% (no, not 50% – do your homework) of marriages will end in divorce. 92% of the time it will be initiated by the woman for no other reason than she is “unfulfilled†– oh, and because she gets the kids, the house, at least ½ the assets and most of his future after tax income for the next 18 years. The man will get raked over in family court. He will lose the house and his kids. He will see his kids 2 out of 14 days (if the ex doesn’t level unsubstantiated “abuse” claims.) He will be forced to hand over 40-50% of his take-home pay. If he loses his job due to illness or downsizing, the State will toss him in jail. While jailed the arrearage will grow and the state will charge interest. The State will revoke his driver’s and professional licenses, make him virtually unemployable.
If you were to take up sky-diving, and the instructor informed you that 67% of the parachutes were defective, would you take the plunge?
The men’s Marriage Strike is alive and well, thank you.
nomarriage.com
June 13, 2007 at 1:21 pm (UTC 1)
oheslw
June 13, 2007 at 11:35 am (UTC 1)
Hello! Good Site! Thanks you! qwezgpxbtirr
May 18, 2007 at 8:50 am (UTC 1)
HI DIPO ,
i HAVE NOT READ THIS MESSAGE BE4 COS I WAS THINKING DIFFERENTLY .THANK GOD I DID TODAY!
MY DEAR FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORRROW AND HAS ALWAYS COMPAINED ABOUT THIS SIMILAR ISSUE BUT TO GOD BE THE GLORY THE GUY IN QUESTION TODAY HAS REALLY CHANGED THANK GOD SHE DIDNT PACK UP THE R/SHIP COS OF HIS DRESS SENSE.
Un1nhibit3d You are just too intelligent, smart, experienced in this matter wentin dey?I am reallly impressed that we ave this type of chic around and pple are getting words from you, even in my church there have been cases of r/ship breaking up cos the chic thinks the guy does not have enough good sense of dressing to be to seen with them but you know they always end up with sad stories.
Thank you so much for this pieces.God Bless.
May 15, 2007 at 7:50 am (UTC 1)
Its real hard to be in your kind of situation.
Many ladies like you would want to go ahead and marry him.
Well, i think it makes sense that you follow your heart.
Where “love” isn’t important,your ability to cope with his attitude and tolerate him really counts.
So my dear, if you cannot cope with your man, cannot tolerate him and don’t want to spend the rest of your life being sad then don’t marry him.
Its for the good of both of you.
Marriage is not by force.
May 12, 2007 at 12:21 pm (UTC 1)
If you really love him and he is reado to learn then don’t leave him.
May 11, 2007 at 3:04 pm (UTC 1)
i have enjoyed reading all your contributions and Dipo thanks for this opportunity to read all these inspirational writtings from all the lovely contributors!
Un1nhibit3d, you are the babe!the blessed man that will marry you will be marrying a gem of a woman! i have a feeling you are one of pastor Bims People and girl i am proud of you, if yes, you dey represent her kampe!
Miss H! i tell a lot of single girls that the reason most young girls desire married men is becos someone has worked on them and they are now like the GQ guys and so this girls want them but they are not ready for the work in making these men. everyman is like gold, for you to get him on the shelf, you have to dig and get it and then do the real work of refining it. Ask most women that are happily married or better still have a wonderful relationship, they will tell you they had work to do on themselves and the work is still on going as with God there is no abandoned project! so if the conviction is there be open and talk to him about your expectation and he will make the necessary adjustment as you get along!
when i was in courtship with my husband i had a lot of issues with his dress sense, but the truth was bobo did not have much clothes, so he was making do with what he had! so if na purple shirt dey available he fit wear am with green trouser and white shoes!she laughs! it was not that bad, am just exagerating!he was not use to perfume but thank God he didnt have body odour! but i had to help him out and i gave him hints as well as buying any good shirts and clothes i see that i feel will suit him! Today, he dresses better and combines his clothes beautifully, its now four years of marriage and 2 children after. i am the one trying to catch up with him in dressing!see life!
So dearie, what is important is his heart for God and humanity, his love for you and interest in what you do, his ability to provide and be there for you and above all, your understanding of his purpose in life and how you fit in with this purpose to be a true help suitable for him. All the best!
May 10, 2007 at 5:09 am (UTC 1)
I believe if there is any doubt in your mind, if you should marry him or not, dont do it. I struggled with my fiancee and the question if I should marry him. There is a reason why you have doubt, follow your heart, I did and found out many things that I would have lived with for the rest of my life.
May 7, 2007 at 8:56 am (UTC 1)
Buy GQ magazine for him, it could come in handy
March 2, 2007 at 1:10 am (UTC 1)
You are not alone. You might think you will get over it with time but it doesn’t neccessarily work that way. This is something one can change, you can go out of your way to buy things you would like to see him wear or tell him things you would like to see on him without actually hurting him in anyway or making him feel like he has a poor fashion sense and I think he would appreciate it. He would eventually get your point without you ever telling him you dont like his sense of fashion or you can just let him know how you feel.
December 7, 2006 at 3:47 pm (UTC 1)
@ Un1nhibit3d
you can contact me at http://www.refinedone.wordpress.com
December 7, 2006 at 3:27 pm (UTC 1)
Un1nhibit3d i wish you all the best in your exams.I just wish i could see your picture. You are so intelligent. I can’t wait for your exams to be over so that you would send in more comments.ka emesia.
December 7, 2006 at 9:06 am (UTC 1)
Hi dipo,i feel this feeling too about a guy i love so much and will want to marry.and this is particularly about the sweat odour which pisses me off.i have not talk to him about this but i know he loves me and will definitely do whatever that will make me happy.So worried girl,talk to your guy about this and i believe he will change.dont let this little thing deprive you of your joy.best of luck
December 6, 2006 at 6:26 pm (UTC 1)
Angela,i have not ignored your request on purpose. its just that i dont know how to contact you.Whats your email?
looking foward to checking out your article on the forbidden four letter word ‘love’.
i have ‘professional’ exams which are taking all my time so i may not be as free to blog as i usually am. But i would soon resume…
cos as usual, i have so much to say.how are your children?
Micheal, I am a babe, who should be woman but who looks like a babe. c’est claire?
December 6, 2006 at 2:16 pm (UTC 1)
Miss H.
I want you to understand that love is something that you feel and want to have, deciding to leave your guy now may be the wrong choice or may be right decision.
But what I want you tu know is that, it is up to you to see that you make him what you want him to be, a gentle guy, a perfect man, the man of your dream, if he dress uncomfortable to you, dont shout on him, but have chart and discussion with him, make to realize that youare not comfortable with the way he dress.
On the other hand, if you mount pressure on him, he may decide to continue with the way he is, so as to stress you up and may be find a possible excuse for him to end the relationship.
I believe you are doing the right thing, but I also want you to know that quiting the relation is not the solution the prtoblem, except if you have another man in your mind that is worth the one you have.
The decision to marry him or not is solely on your hand, but take the wise decision and you will enjoy your life. it is not our duty to ask you to leave him or not.
Continue to pray and God will guide you.
December 5, 2006 at 1:23 pm (UTC 1)
Un 1nhibit3d you are just too much. Did you do guidance and counselling in school?(laughs) I am really learning a lot from you.Thanks to Dipo for giving us an avenue to pour out our mind.
December 5, 2006 at 9:44 am (UTC 1)
n1nhibit3d you be babe or you be woman? I dey feel you jo.
December 5, 2006 at 8:46 am (UTC 1)
pls @un1nhibit3d….could contact me
thanks…..
December 5, 2006 at 7:03 am (UTC 1)
@ Un1nhibit3d
Gbadun means Enjoy
As per the enquiry, I have to read my mail again; I would get back to you ASAP.
December 4, 2006 at 6:22 pm (UTC 1)
Na God eh. i no be lagos babe o!abeg wetin gbadun mean?
meanwhile, the inquiry wey i make yesterday you never talk o.
December 4, 2006 at 5:09 pm (UTC 1)
@ Un1nhibit3d
I dey gbadun you well well. Abeg make you continue dey yarn jo, make you no stop.
This your wisdom sef; where you get am from?
December 4, 2006 at 4:43 pm (UTC 1)
Thanks Angela,
I’ m honored. i don’t know about ‘smitten’, but i definitely like the guy! And i like to think relationship is a choice you make and love is an act of the will. you choose to love.
Hey Miss H(who we now know as helen)
i am glad i could be of help! how open are you with this guy? i mean how comfortable is your friendship? Is he someone who loves you enough to listen to you and value your opinion? if he is(and he had better be), you could get him Neo-medrol, for starters.Perhaps also, it might be razor blades that cause the bumps for him. Some men prefer clippers.It could be that he shaves at his barbers (that always makes me uncomfortable cos anything can happen,say what…).Dipo can and should help you there. Its Christmas. If you have the bucks, get a few as gifts.
But i must warn you. When i came into the establishment i am with, i met a guy with a bad body odour. I dint tell him until months later.10 mins after i did ,another colleague called him and gave him a roll-on spray.He thanked us profusely.Then only used it once or twice.Next, he took off his shoe in the office, every one dived for cover.With such a man, you would need to change his mentality first. Babe, there is no revelation that kind of man would receive concerning marriage that I would even start to pray about (Gaskia!).
God sees the sincerity of your heart and is willing to help you, even giving you the desires of your heart. Just a flash. Someone once said a young lady told him that God had told her she was going to marry a rich man. The man asked her if God had said ‘he was going to be rich before she married him or after?’
I have done a few wild things in my life. il give an example. When i was a member at the university chapel, the youngest prof attended also. Not married, drove a no-longer-in-the-market model of car whose name i can’t even remember, had a pot-belly and dressed terribly. I walked up to him and told him i could help and he went on and on about how he dint want to be attractive to women, hence the dress et al.
Some time later, he called me after service to show me his colour scheme for the day. I then gave him rules:
1. Its not every fabric that is in the market that you should buy.
2. When in doubt, use black, especially, when you are looking to combine stuff. Colour riot is not the vogue anymore. Colour scheme is too important to ignore. It reflects your style, mood and level of creativity.
3. Wear striped shirts with a plain tie and vice versa. In the event that both are stripped and/or patterned, let one be so subtle, it’s almost unnoticeable.
4. Men should avoid patterned trousers(if its not trad fabric) and avoid those big striped ‘Aba-looking’ trousers.(yellow, plaid, pink are always preferable for the top half of the body)
4. That you can’t afford Valentino or Paco Rabanne doesn’t mean you have to wear Sosorobia (Hausa perfume).There are good deo sprays available.
5. You have only 2 shirts? So? Wash, dry, iron and never wear 1 shirt 2 or 3 days in a row (I knew a guy like that once and he used to sweat a lot)
6. There’s a level of affordability for everyone. If you can’t wear Ralph lauren shirts, there are guys who make good shirts in lag and Aba at affordable prices. If you can’t afford those, d’Allah, there’s OK. ok is cheap any where. If in doubt, shop with someone who has taste superior to yours (it’s not everything that’s in the market that you should buy!)
I tend to go on and on…but il give you a breather.
Finally, define ‘convinced’ to your self. I used to say if a guy came to me to say the lord told him I’m his wife, il ask if that’s the only reason he’s coming. So if the lord dint tell him…
H, if youre used to settling for sub-standard, you will feel convinced to go for substandard (I DONT MEAN YOUR SUITOR IS!!!). Iam saying look inward. Life is short and i mean to live it to the hilt. if i am going to be anyone’s help, then id better be help meet (fit) for him. Shikena!
Pls dont cry, i was hoping to bring you joy, not tears.lol
December 4, 2006 at 11:30 am (UTC 1)
Un 1nhibited3d you brought tears to my eyes after reading your comment. I have come to realise that one’s dress sense can be worked upon easier than the character, and since its not the character that is my concern, then I have a future with him. So now how do i go about changing his dress sense without giving him another impression(men are egoistic).Firstly he has got Bumps on his face, Lets start from here. Thanks lol.
December 3, 2006 at 10:49 pm (UTC 1)
Time will tel!!?
@Un1nhibit3d
Gal, you are totally smitten by the boy ( youngman)
I love your honesty…I can tell you that the reason he is being able to have ” broken down my defences ” is I believe you are trusting God more..you are allowing Him be in control ….all I can say to you is just keep doing what your doing.
Perfect Love cast out FEAR!
PS ….I enjoy reading your postings.
December 2, 2006 at 5:13 pm (UTC 1)
Its not about improving.You cant change anyone. My constant question is: ‘what kinda gals you been with’?!
He has seen money and a better life. He has a story to tell.
I can see a future with him,faintly ,cos sometimes, like the biblical story, i think i still see men as trees!.
But his brand of love has steadily broken down my defences and i kid you not, he is making his way into my heart.
And me, being me, i probably see him worse than he is(Miss perfectionist) cos he’s quite the dude and sisters really like him!
he looks more handsome to me each day and if we are not spending time together, we are Gloing for 2 hours if i am off that day.
So, possible?time would tell.
December 2, 2006 at 1:11 pm (UTC 1)
@ Un1nhibit3d
I am definitely laughing and I love your anecdote.
Do you see a posibility with this guy due to his revamped appearance or due his willingness to improve?
December 2, 2006 at 12:33 pm (UTC 1)
Dear Dipo
i tend to go on and on. oblige me, please.
Miss H,
first of all, i dont agree with Micheal’s depiction of the scripture passage ‘in that day, 7 women will take hold of 1 man…’ I have heard that for years and them men are still coming!Please, D’Allah, dont go with the ‘grab your copy now ‘ marriage tidal wave.
I believe in conviction but babe, so did our parents whose marriages (those who met the Lord in the 70′s) have stayed simply because no one is bold enough to leave. think about that.
Ibelieve in attraction:physical, sexual,emotional,intellectual et al.For goodness’ sake, il live with this guy forever and forever is a long time(maybe not as long as it used to be in places like Hollywood!).i have to be attracted to him.Attraction is a relative term and attraction grows with time.
For me, i am at the place where i am ‘lowering the bar’, not standards and values but expectations.I used to expect that God would give me this fine,boxed-up,speaks-english-as-well-as-i-do,sin-less,understands-me-without-any-effort kind of bro, not because of my ‘righteousness’, but because of…i dont even know what.
I am learning every day that God gives us gifts in unlikely packages!
If you are convinced its God(and Pastor Bimbo used to say,that you must like the content and the container.),go back to him and say ‘i dont see why this guy, cos i dont like the way he dresses, talks and looks and i am not proud of him, but if this is you, i am willing to take it a step at a time’. Give it time, girl. An older friend used to say, ‘Time puts things in perspective’. If with time, certain things dont click, in time, you would know ,see clearer(hopefully!)
i will conclude by saying two things:
Recently,i was discussing job opportunities with someone and an older person overhead me say i had my eye ”up-up” as per where i could work. She turned to the person i was with and said:”leave her.when babe wan marry,for morning, she go say ‘if no be Baba,tufai, i no go marry’. when afternoon, reach, she go say ‘i fit manage Atiku’. By night, the girl eventually settles for Local Govt Councillors.That got me thinking. And hard.
Two, i met this guy who was nice and all but his dressing, English(he didnt even have a degree) and all. But he loved the lord and i began to like him. I told him i couldnt marry him(sides, he was broke).I would fight him off like i do every one i get really attracted to(or fear getting attracted to) and every guy i detest(and you better have the spirit of discernment!).Not once did he fight back.
But we’re rolling. Months on, i find out he’s a gift. My gift. .He does the lil things that trip us ladies. He used to keep this huge afro, travelled and then returned with this lovely trim cut.He dresses so much better and has more drive to fufil his ambitions.And there’s a mega job he just landed. And unbeliveable, the physical attraction is so strong, we are trying to keep ourselves pure ,trying to jugde that its so much more than that.
while we are not yet ‘convinced’, we are seeking to be friends(and we are quite close) giving it time, waiting both for the still, small voice and the voice of the lord that breaks the cedars of lebanon(my pastors says its if you’re deaf that God uses that!).And me,i am learning i am not in competition with anyone(no-show-off of trophies like ”Dandiest Boyfriend”) and that every relationship has a life of its own.Ihave less mood swings, i shut my mouth more, trust more, am very tolerant and i am even putting on weight cos i know i am loved and happy.
Carnally maybe,but you have to like what you see. Invariably, YOU will be the one to live with him and if he annoys you in marriage, his ‘ugliness’ would ‘pain’ you so much ,especially, if your children look completely like him. i hope you are laughing
December 1, 2006 at 5:44 pm (UTC 1)
I think deep within us all we want to believe appearance doesn’t matter.yet it does.when you start seeing the poor physical appearance before marriage what will happen after?
if you were really in love with this guy,you will see a tall,handsome,dark guy instead.coz love is blind.
love him.i mean really love him.coz with love,flaws look perfect.
November 30, 2006 at 11:54 am (UTC 1)
now Dipo i hope your e mails won’t bounce back.
November 30, 2006 at 11:21 am (UTC 1)
@ Angela
I understand what you mean; I hope it doesn’t come out that way to Miss H and Black.
Nevertheless, the grace of God is sufficient to lead them through it…
November 30, 2006 at 11:09 am (UTC 1)
@ Dipo I was referring to point 2. ( that was what it sounded like to me)
November 30, 2006 at 11:06 am (UTC 1)
@ Jane,
You know how much I appreciate your comments but e-mail addy you provided is not going through; my mails keep bouncing back.
Please, kindly contact me again providing the right e-mail addy; it is this e-mail addy that is causing the issue we are facing.
@ Angela
I am sure you must have read the letter we wrote back to Miss H very well so I am assuming you are just giving your own advice because there is actually nothing like changing anybody in it.
Thanx for the advice, this would go a long way to help Miss H.
November 30, 2006 at 10:41 am (UTC 1)
Micheal are you saying she should settle for less??
Appearance is important you should find your partner attractive. most of the time that is the first attraction, but it is not necessarily the most important, cos some beautiful ppl have been known to a very ugly personality.
Dipo I don’t think when you marry anyone you should be think of way to change them, you can try and Influence them for the better but it still has to be there choice to change, there should not be any form of manipulation.
If the girl feels the guy has potential and just bad dress sense then dialog about it in the right spirit…if you fine you partner embarrassing the you are the one that needs to check yourself….cos what if you marry a man that has “his†own taste in clothes and has no intention in changing it? What will you do? But you know he has all the other qualities you desire.
Before you say I do! Make sure you do!
November 30, 2006 at 8:38 am (UTC 1)
Ok Jane, it’s no longer a joke.
Why dont we clear this up by contacting me; just click on the “PLS, CONTACT ME!” at the sidebar.
November 30, 2006 at 8:26 am (UTC 1)
I don’t get you Dipo.
November 30, 2006 at 7:28 am (UTC 1)
@ Jane
You must be the number one joker in the world!
if you are Miss H, then I must be Oprah Winfrey.
Very funny, very very funny……….
November 30, 2006 at 7:05 am (UTC 1)
Thanks for all the advice i got from you all.He came to my office some days ago and i could see something different. He was looking so good and I know he could be better.
November 29, 2006 at 9:00 pm (UTC 1)
Physical appearance can change anytime, for instance if you like your wife or your husband slim and after marriage they grow fat, will you run away?
Or what do you expect someone whose beautiful wife lost her beauty to a fire disaster to do? If he had married her for her beauty then will all can predict the rest of the story. If you are still haven doubts, go back to God to iron it out.
November 29, 2006 at 7:17 pm (UTC 1)
The truth is that if you dont love him now, you can never love him in future and you would just start cheating on him. At this time when men are scarce you are still complaining, you better gram him with both hands before it is too late.
November 29, 2006 at 2:11 pm (UTC 1)
@ Black
You have made my day; I am always glad to know my effforts are not in vain.
It’s not easy, but it is possible…..
Thanx for the comment!
@ Pauline
You are right on point and I appreciate your comment. Thanx.
@ Kehinde,
You are also on point. Thanx for the comment.
November 28, 2006 at 6:03 pm (UTC 1)
Hi Dipo ,
You wouldnt beleive it, im in this exact situation, just like as if you heard me when i was praying this morning.Though his dress sense is very ok and his personalty is most of what ive prayed for, but the looks seem to be the problem.Il go by what you have written above, but trust me its not going to be easy especially when all your life youve always dreamt of that tall ,dark, handsome guy.
Thanks anyway ’cause this one of the confirmations i asked God for
Black
November 28, 2006 at 1:37 pm (UTC 1)
I think physical appearance is important but not the ultimate. it is definitely not more important than the personality but it is important. If not why is she worried about it. As Dipo said, she can help him and she needs to open up to him about it but….. without NAGGING. She can prayerfully help him see what is wrong and correct it. Some of us were not born with dress sense, we need to learn it and we need teachers,patient teacher.
November 28, 2006 at 11:54 am (UTC 1)
@dipo
I think you’ve said it all.Physical appearance of a guy shouldn’t matter when one is choosing a life partner.Its the personality of the person that should be of utmost importance.
fioricet
March 19, 2007 at 1:44 am (UTC 1)
fioricet…
news…