THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD THIS WEEK: LIVING RIGHT?.
I grew up as a Christian- that really meant I, along with the rest of my then-nuclear family was chauffeured by my dad to church every Sunday. I didn’t have a choice. No one in my family did. Besides the free chauffeur privileges, it also meant that I marked “Christian†in the “Religion†box in the countless forms I’ve filed since I could hold a pen. It took most of nineteen years of doing most of this (after one semester at the university, I realized that I didn’t have to do church) before I finally came around to any meaning of what being Christian was… or is.
I wish I could say it’s been a smooth sail from my moment of epiphany but that would be as true as claiming my weaves are real.
It’s been a mix of stumbling and falling and getting up, and falling and running, and returning, and living and falling and living and wanting and … a lot more.
Sometimes I want so much of God, it’s overwhelming, like I live so much in him and I don’t want out. Like I‘m walking a few inches on air, lots of space between the floor and my silk-stockinged feet. It feels like lots of fire and love, like He’s right beside me, inches away- everything seems so possible.
Then sometimes, even faster than my eyes can catch it, the clichéd tables turn- it’s like it seems not worth it- a sense of my failure unforgivable by God and myself. It’s more like a feeling of helplessness, all the Christianese about Christ and His sufficiency, bout how he’s willing to have me back, about the strength in getting up- they just don’t work, at least not then.
Sometimes it gets so hard that I don’t even want to try.
Psychologist call it “depressionâ€, though I’m more inclined to go with “condemnationâ€. I recognize it by the heavy feeling of helplessness, a “why botherâ€, a sense of failure and shame in God and myself. It’s dark and heavy and it nudges me to give it all up.
Through time, I have learnt to remind myself that He really will have me back. At my darkest, I cling to an assurance that my foolishness is not enough to wipe out His love and that he will.
It could be hard, but I try to cling harder.
I rely on Him to help me up and I try to pay attention to the reason the darkness started.
Sometimes, it’s easy to give it up, sometimes it’s difficult. Especially when I have managed to convincingly lie to myself about its harmlessness, or when I simply ignore His quiet warnings.
I want to always remember that there’s something more important than whatever I’m holding on to, outside of Him. I strive hard to remind myself that He’s God anyway, He knows better, He’s assured me of something better- (Christianese again). Sometimes, it’s I hit my head against a “life†brick, too many realities in my face and the shortcuts seem quicker. But I know, at least my pint-size faith tells me. I hold on to it and believe.
And I mess up… again.
And I start over… again.
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September 28, 2007 at 5:47 am (UTC 1)
@biosfrank
Thank you so much, you should have written the piece, cos I’ve picked a lot more from you.
yes o, what really matters, is getting up…
reminds me of the Donnie song-bout a saint’s who’s just a sinner who fell down , then got up.
TY
September 28, 2007 at 5:44 am (UTC 1)
@Tolita,
Gurl, I’m so happy it did something…
and Thank you, we’ll always have each other to lean on..
x
September 26, 2007 at 6:40 am (UTC 1)
That’s a timely word from God, thru His servant, Fumi. There is no doubt the fact that as a result of man’s imperfection, man is bound to fall from time to time. But the question is whether we fall as christians, but what we do when we fall. Do we remain in the pit? or do we rise from the pit and learn our lesson? Even great men of God in the bible fell several times during their time here on earth. Of obvious among them were David of old and Paul of new testaments.They both fell but despite those failures they still were very dear to God’s heart, and were used by God to leave legacy for us and generations to God. No woder The Creator says; “Though a mother may forsake her suckling child, I will never forsake you” That’s the kind of God we serve. I believe what we should always ask God is for His Grace to keep us from falling Or even when we fall to realise that we have actually fallen, and be able to approach our maker with boldness (like David in Ps 51) to regain our place in Him. All believer are sitted together with Him in heavenly places. That’s our position place in Him. Sense of guilt and unworthiness will only end up wipe away this consciousness from the victims. Therefore, let’s always run to God in time of fall rather than dying in guilt and condemnation. His grace is sufficient to us!
September 24, 2007 at 3:02 pm (UTC 1)
My girl Funmi. Once again you have managed to articulate what’s going on in your life in a beautifully sincere yet concise way. This article struck a chord with me so loud it could have been a mirror held up to my life right now. I’ll leave you with this before the clichés get the best of this comment. Well done. God truly ministered through you as He always will when we allow ourselves to be genuine about our journey in Christ. It’s always reassuring to know I’m not the only one who struggles with certain issues. Bless you x
September 23, 2007 at 10:39 am (UTC 1)
@ Refined one
Welcome back!
This explosive and down-to-earth post is not from me but from ever-creative and resounding Funmilayo.
I grew up as a Muslim dear………
September 23, 2007 at 12:45 am (UTC 1)
I will not speak any “christianese”…and simply say, thank God for his mercy! thank God we can do nothing to make him love us any more cos He loved us and even died for us when we hated Him…let alone now that we know Him.
Guilt and condemnation only breeds death….One is thankful that when we fall, we have a Father that is willing to forgive and make it all anew ( if we are truly sorry)
I am thankful of a God of a 1st, 2nd, 3rd……(and so on) chance!
I like the way you kept it real in this post….
September 22, 2007 at 9:16 pm (UTC 1)
Shall a man forget his origin and pretends that he has no roots?
For those He called, His voice is audible to them and their consciousnesses are after His thoughts.
Those years that appears as ordinary to us are indeed not ordinary. He was with us right from the beginning….. If He let go his protection for a second over us within those years, it may have been a different story altogether….the songs….. the innocent prayers…. the sermons….. He was building us….
That a man hearts pant after the water of righteousness is a sign that God’s spirit lives within him….to be aware that short cut is nothing but cut off requires His grace for I tell you, many are unable to turn back from the short cuts even when it is obvious that the end is doomed.
Whenever we fall flat, His Spirit comes to revive us, whenever we run from him, his compassion, tenderness and loves brings us back.
Blessed are those that are able to trace their roots back to Him even if it is over and over.